Detective Westington

--
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

A hotel door has bloody handprints all over it. A sign hangs from the knob: “Do Not Disturb.”

A shadow falls over the door and pauses. It is COMMISSIONER HALLWAY. Hallway hesitantly raises a hand to knock on the door, then looks down at the “Do Not Disturb” sign.

CAM: HANDPRINT. DOWN TO SIGN. UP TO HANDPRINT. HALLWAY’S FACE, RAISES HAND, PAUSES. LOOKS DOWN. SIGN, UP / UP TO HALLWAY’S FACE. LOWERS HAND. HALLWAY TURNS. CAMERA RAISES AND FOLLOWS HALLWAY OVERHEAD TO THE CRIME SCENE.

Commissioner Hallway drops his hand, then turns around and follows a trail of bloody footprints back to where OFFICER BEANIE, a fresh-faced youth, stands over a crime scene.

A dead body lies in the hallway. Lots of blood and overturned tables, paintings. The body has a screwdriver in its head, and a scrap of parchment clutched in one hand.

An ELEVATOR BOY stands next to it, looking shocked.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Well, this case is a complete mystery. I don't know what to do.

OFFICER BEANIE

I've sent for Detective Westington. He's the most brilliant man I've ever met.

BUTLER

(Off screen)

Detective Westington.

Enter DETECTIVE WESTINGTON.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

(to Elevator Boy)

Good evening, Commissioner. I hope the woeful circumstance of this eve does not cast too heavy a shadow over the goodly occasion of our meet.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

...Um, Detective. This is the elevator boy. I am Commissioner Hallway.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Ah, yes, of course. Tell me, Commissioner, do you... walk often?

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Why, yes, I do.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Yes... Your boots are scuffed, you see.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Ah, very good, very good.

Hallway and Beanie exchange impressed looks.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Now, what are we looking at here?

Hallway nods to Officer Beanie to start taking notes. Officer Beanie starts patting his pockets, but is unable to find a pen.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Well... From what we can make out, it would appear that this dead person... was somehow... "Teleported" here, into this hallway, via Unexplainable Elec-Tonic... Teleportation!

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

I'm afraid I must disagree, Commissioner.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

But Detective, this man is dead! Do you think he... “Walked” here, by himself? A dead man?! Detective, the facts are right in front of your eyes!

Beanie still cannot find a pen. Westington reaches into his pocket, and hands Beanie a pen. /OR He “magics” one from Beanie’s ear.

Beanie realizes he doesn’t have anything to write on, and starts drawing on his wrist.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Oh indeed they are. But allow me to venture forth a hypothesis. The unfortunate soul certainly “Teleported" here, somehow. Of that, there can be no doubt. But, he is not dead.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Oh, I think he's dead.

OFFICER BEANIE

I think he's dead, too.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

He is most definitely dead!

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Oh? But... Is he?

Detective Westington taps the dead body with his foot. It doesn't move. He kicks it again. Westington frowns angrily and glares at the body.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Hmmph.

Westington looks at Hallway, who looks down at his feet.

Detective Westington fumes.

Officer Beanie looks at his wrist-drawn crime scene: A stick figure on the ground with ‘X’s for eyes. He writes “Dead” in large letters over it.

BUTLER

(off screen)

The Widow.

The WIDOW enters.

WIDOW

Hello? I was told to come here urgently?

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Ah, hello, madam. I am Commissioner Hallway, this is Officer Beanie, and this is Detective Westington.

WIDOW

Detective Westington? But he's the most brilliant detective England has ever seen!

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Yes.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Hello, madam. I see you've recently gained some poundage.

WIDOW

I have! About ten pounds, since Mother died! But how did you know?

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Ah, my dear, to the train-ed eye it takes the merest of glances to absorb the freshly widened belt loop, the bulging, bloated abdomen... the pathetic stench of defeat.

WIDOW

Oh, Detective! You're as observant as you are charming! Say, why did you call me here?

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Ma'am, it appears that your husband is dead.

Westington looks mad at the word "dead". Hallway looks away, slightly embarrassed.

WIDOW

Oh, my!

Officer Beanie shows Commissioner Hallway his wrist drawing: Three stick-figures are now standing next to the body, labeled “Hallway”, “Me” and “Detective”, and the body has electric teleportation lines. “Hallway” and “Me” are holding hands.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

And, recently “teleported”.

Officer Beanie starts doodling his name, “Officer Beanie.”

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Madam, did your husband have any enemies?

WIDOW

No, never! Not at all! Well, the Mafia.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

(to Officer Beanie)

Arrest the Mafia!

Officer Beanie walks off.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

A waste of time, Commissioner.

Commissioner Hallway snaps his fingers at Beanie, and Beanie comes back.

Detective Westington reaches down, and grabs the piece of paper from the body’s hand. He gives it to Officer Beanie.

Officer Beanie glances at the paper. The words “The Muave Dove flies at Midnight” are written on it. Beanie ignores the words, flips over the paper and redraws the crime scene, glancing periodically at his hand for reference.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

(continuous)

You see, Commissioner, in my days as the head of the North England Murder Enthusiasts Club, I studied the Mafia in-depth. I've learnt all their moves. And if there's one thing I know, it's that the Mafia is afraid of heights!

Commissioner Hallway slaps his face.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Of course!

OFFICER BEANIE

I don't understand.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

What story are we on?

The widow and Beanie think.

WIDOW

The... second!

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Exactly!

OFFICER BEANIE

Don’t these people know we have a perfectly adequate cemetary? Why, my children are stored there.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

If it's not the Mob teleporting these bodies, who is it?

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

There's only one person it could be. Officer Beanie!

Everyone gasps, including Westington.

OFFICER BEANIE

It wasn't me!

Everyone is disappointed, including Beanie.

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Well, shoot.

Westington kicks the body, half-heartedly.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Aw, don't beat yourself up over it. You wouldn't believe how many bodies get away from me!

OFFICER BEANIE

A lot! Honest!

Officer Beanie consolingly adds a ‘?’ after the word “Dead.”

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

Well...

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Come on, let's get some booze and pussy!

DETECTIVE WESTINGTON

(sulking)

Where are we going to find pussy this time of night?!

WIDOW

Well... I am single.

COMMISSIONER HALLWAY

Case closed!

Everybody humps.